Letters
by arienettechemistry
Summary: It's simple, Bella chose Jacob. -Post Eclipse, BXJ, for now.
1. Chapter 1

_God, I missed him. _

With my head resting upon his warm, boulder sized shoulder, that's all I could think. That's all I had been able to think for months. How much I missed him, and how thankful I was at this point that no one here could hear my thoughts. I squinted as the wind hit my eyes and I looked out onto the ever constant beach that was La Push. The small waves always crashing softly upon the rocks, no matter what time it was or what was happening in the world. This beach was always the same, and I liked that.

I lifted my head and glanced up at Jacob Black, the one I had chosen. He was watching the sun lower itself beneath the ocean line and say goodnight to the rest of the reservation. Then, his head turned downwards and he started playing with the fragments of rock atop the one we were sitting with a worried look furrowed into his brow.

"What's wrong, Jake?"

He didn't say anything. He placed a piece of rock in between his thumb and forefinger, looked at it a moment, pressed down and opened his hand. The tiny piece of rock has been diminished to gray dust. I watched the wind carry the powder into the wind. I looked back up at Jacob, but his head was turned away from me. I reached my hand up to his hot cheek, and tried to gently push his face in my direction. With his excess of strength and my lack of, he easily resisted. I slumped back down against his arm behind me, and put my head in my knees. Why wouldn't he look at me? Jacob was always rather blunt about his feelings, I don't know why this time would be any different. I didn't know what was wrong, or if anything was at all.

Suddenly I felt heat coming at me from all sides. It took me a few seconds to realize it was just Jake wrapping me in one of his heat engulfing hugs. I freed my arms from my sides and hugged him back. I loved the warmth that reverberated off him like nothing else in this world. The warmth that made my skin feel as if I was sitting in front of a crackling fire, that found its way to my core. The warmth that confirmed by love for Jacob Black, that he loved me, too. Most importantly.. that I had made the right choice.

After what seemed like eons had passed, he gave me a last extremely tightening squeeze, and let me go. He just sat there crouched on the large rock we were sitting on, and looked at me. His dark eyes were something that I could never fully understand, and I liked that. There was always more of me that wanted to know more about him, everything about him, and even that would not be enough. I loved Jacob, each of his imperfections that made him absolutely perfect to me. I watched his face as if it were under a microscope, and noticed when a slow smile began to creep up from his lips. He brushed the back of his neck with his hand, looking down again. He started to chuckle a little, like it was an inside joke only he could understand. Again he looked at me, this time like he was going to say something, but he shut his mouth.

"What is it, Jake?"

"It's just him." He said almost playfully, blowing imaginary steam out from his lips. I was so confused.

"What do you mean? Who's 'him'?"

"_Him_, Bella."

I almost shivered at my own name. He never usually called me 'Bella' unless it was something serious. I thought for a moment, and then it finally came to me.

"You cannot seriously mean.. Jake, come on. Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not being ridiculous. You just. You - You don't know."

"I don't know what? What are you talking about?"

I paused for a moment to try and collect my thoughts. I knew who he was talking about. Edward. Just the name sent shivers down my spine. I shut my eyes and tried to pretend that Jacob was not talking about him. I failed.

"What about.." I stretched my throat as I wretched to get the name from my mouth, ".. Edward."

"Dammit, Bella!"

He slammed his fist down on the rock and sent a crack drilling down it's center, all the way to the sandy floor. I traced it with my fingers, trying not to shake, trying not to be scared.

"What did I do, Jake?" A sudden rush of confidence bellowing through me.

"I haven't talked to him, seen him, thought of him, let alone heard from him in a year! What is happening that is so horrible that you have to yell at me?"

Suddenly I sunk my head into my chest and felt as small as a grain of sand drowning in the ocean. All m confidence and self-assurance had vanished as I whispered aloud to him, "Did I do something wrong.. ?"

He let out a long, heavy sigh, heated with words I knew were not going to be good.

"Bella.. "

He looked up at the sky, as if summoning God to help him say this. It couldn't be that horrible. How could something awful have happened right under my nose? Was I that oblivious to the obvious?

"Bella, he's been writing you letters."

My eyes bulged as every muscle in my body tensed. My hands that had been resting on either arm gripped my skin so hard that surely I had left marks. A cold rush flooded my head and raced down back, to my leg, out through my toes. I didn't know what to think, what to feel. I couldn't find the words to speak. Then Jacob spoke again with a gentle touch to his rough voice, probably sensing the expression on my face and the way I couldn't move,

"He's been writing you letters since you.. since you left him. One. One letter. One letter to you every month since.. you know."

He stopped and looked at me, in my eyes. I could tell he didn't see anything. There was nothing to see. My eyes were as blank as a deer that had seen it's own death in those headlights.


	2. Chapter 2

The rain spattered loudly against my windshield as my rusty, old red pickup pulled into the parking garage of my apartment complex. I parked, got out, and leaned against my car. I looked up at the roof of the place, which was the ground of the first floor and lobby. I sighed and eventually walked up to my apartment in the corner on the third floor. I turned the key, and let myself in. Closing the door behind me, I noticed the red light blinking on my answering machine. I rolled my eyes and strolled over to the little desk where it sat. A digital red "3" blinked repeatedly at me. I pressed the button and began listening to the messages:

"Hey, Bells, It's Jake. I'm sorry about earlier. I just got a little carried away with what had happened and everything.. You know me, my emotions get the better of me. I'm sorry. You can't stay mad at me for long."

We'll see about that.

The message continued, "Can we talk about this? Just call Sam's phone, you know I'm always here. Alright, bye. I love you, Bells."

Beep.

"Um, hey Bella. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright in your new place and everything."

I recognized Charlie's voice from the awkward but loving tone. Even though it had been about a month since I had moved into my apartment, he was still doing the dad thing and checking up on me.

".. I'm sure you're making good food for yourself. I'm only a phone call away if you need me. Alright, um, bye."

Beep.

Then nothing. The only sound audible was static. A crackling noise, like there was someone on the other end crumpling a plastic candy wrapper in the speaker. Then there was a long, deep sigh.

That was the last message. I didn't know what to think. Who would leave a blank message on my machine? Instead of going psychotic about it, I decided it must have been a mistake. Besides, it was an awfully old recorder, and half broken anyway.

I flopped down on the couch and stared at the book I was reading on the coffee table, deciding not to open it. Instead, I thought about Jacob. How could he keep something like that from me? What was in them that was_ that_ horrible? I wanted to know why he was hiding these letters from me, why he felt he had to keep them secret. I can understand why he wouldn't want to talk about _him_, but he also knew it would upset me that he didn't tell me about this sooner.

An entire year this had been happening. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend it wasn't happening. I curled into a ball on the corner of my couch. What was in the letters he had been writing to me? Edward was gone, he was out of my life. I missed him. Without him here it was easy to make my mind stray from him, keep him out of my thoughts. Jacob was always catching me up in a whirlwind of himself, of us, and I loved it. It was just that, sometimes, Edward would come into my thoughts and lately that been happening more than I would have liked. I think.

I needed to have those letters in my possession. I needed to read them. They were addressed to me, weren't they? I have a legal right to read them. Tomorrow I would go back to the reservation and get them from Jacob. Surely he wouldn't give me grief about it if he was already willing to tell me about them.

I clenched my hand into a fist and watched the tiny muscle bulge from the underside of my forearm, remembering the time I hit Jacob only to end up hurting myself. Is this what was going to happen this time, too? Would I ask Jacob what was wrong, only to have it backfire into something I didn't want to hear? I was afraid the letters were going to convey something I didn't want to hear. Although I couldn't find a single thing could come from_ him_ that I didn't want to hear..

Stop it. Stop it, stop it now. I loved Jacob, and that's it. It was a lot to deal with at the time of decision.. but it was something that had to be done. I knew I had made the right choice. They were so different.. Edward and Jacob. I didn't want to think about them right now, but I didn't really have a choice. They were both furiously clouding my mind. Polar opposites. Ice and fire constantly battling each other for possession.

I love Jacob, more than anything, I do.

I walked into my tiny kitchen for a glass of cold water to clear my thoughts. I sat back down on my couch, swiveling a piece of ice around in my mouth. I picked up the book from my coffee table that I had been meaning to read. A collection of poems by John Keats. I spread the book open and skimmed through the pages.

"But oh! how unlike marble was that face;

How beautiful, if sorrow had not made

Sorrow more beautiful than Beauty's self."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry this chapter took absolutely forever. Breaking Dawn came out, and everything. Maybe I'll write a review for it, all these feelings about it have to go somewhere.. Anyways, thank you for the reviews, favorites and subscriptions. Here's chapter 3, I hope you enjoy it.

/

As I parked my rusty old truck to the side of a dirt path, I tried to clear my thoughts. I pushed my keys to the left, pulled them out and shoved them in my pocket. I slammed my forehead down on the top of the steering wheel. What was I doing here? Well, I was coming here to retrieve the letters that Edward, the name still made me shudder, had been writing me for the past year. Now it didn't seem like such a good idea. Knowing how Jacob was, he would probably get angry and run off into the forest, leaving me with Sam and Emily. I usually didn't mind that. I know that that's just how Jacob is, and I can usually handle his emotions. But now was different. The reoccurring problem was that he would just run off, and we wouldn't get to talk about the problem, or the solution for that matter. He would come back heavily sweating, tired and hungry from running all day or doing whatever it was he was doing, apologize to me and that would be it. If i ever brought it up again he would just say something like "Just drop it." or, "Are you still talking about that?" then laugh and pull me into a forgiving hug. I never thought to bring it up again, because I was afraid of what Jacob would do. I didn't really think he would leave me.. and I could not handle that thought. What Edward had done to me before.. I just couldn't handle that again. It was a sore subject with Jacob and I didn't talk to him about much, but he tried to understand how much pain that caused me and how it left me scarred. He had promised me so many times that he would never leave me, and deep down I knew he wouldn't.

Before I even had a chance to get one foot on the dusty ground, Jacob was already holding me by the waist, smiling as he spun me in circles around him. The whole world around me was one big blur of color, and then it stopped. He brought me close to him, and I laid my chin on the top of his shoulder as he held me against the wind. It was cold today, as it always was here, but the ocean current brought a shivering mist that made everything seem fragile. The wind picked up as the moment was broken.

"We better get you inside, Bells." Jacob said as he set me down on the ground. I held my head and tried to not turn the same color as the trees around me. I looked down, and then he threw my waist over his shoulder and hoisted me back to Sam and Emily's house.

I had always liked their place. Maybe because it seemed quaint and very well kept, which my apartment never was. Or maybe because I always felt like I would have a home here. Everyone was so welcoming and kind here, but not in the Stepford wives kind of way.

He set me down in front of the front door, and I struggled to balance myself against something besides the ground to keep me up. The nausea from his spin hadn't left me just yet. Jacob took my hand and engulfed it with his, and led me inside. As I stepped in, I smelled the familiar, comforting scent of old wood, and linoleum.

"Mmm, I smell Emily's cooking." I said. There were four large covered pots on her stove, each cooking huge chunks of meat, each swimming in butter, savory oils, and delicious smelling spices. I closed my eyes and breathed in the delicious aroma. I walked over the oven and spotted more food that was being slow roasted. None of this would be done for hours, which made sense seeing that it was only six in the evening, and none of the others would be back until the darkest of night. Then I spotted a note on the old, yellowing fridge:

Sam and I are going to be out for the evening, be back late. Food is cooking on the stove, and if you're still hungry there are things in the fridge.

Love, Emily and Sam

"Well I guess they're not going to back for a while."

Jacob said with a husky voice as he lifted one of the huge pots of food from the stove and sat it in front of him on the table. He grabbed a spoon from a drawer and sat there with a blank stare. I almost wondered why he would even need a spoon, usually he would just pick the thing up and let everything slide down his throat.

Taking me by slight surprise, he asked me, "Do you want some? I can get you a bowl since you can't just drink it down like we can." He smiled his huge warm grin that I loved. His smile held so many things, and each of them made me feel warm, and loved.

"No thanks, I'm not really hungry." Which was only half true, I just wasn't in the mood for hearty meat. As he ate I poured myself a glass of cold water and stared out the window into the gray misty sea that covered the tops of everything. Thetrees around us were only visible in a haze from the rain, and it was only drizzling now. I lifted my glass up to take a sip and felt the chilling water make a river down my throat, making me shiver. Well, at least it was refreshing. A small break from monotony.

In a matter of a few minutes, Jacob was already downing his second pot of the food Emily had left him, and within seconds he had finished. He spread out his hands and them folded them on the table, looking satisfied.

"Bella, I wanted to ask you something." Jacob said, staring intently into my eyes.

"What is it?"

" I was just wanted to tell you something." He stared off into space for a while, and twiddled his thumbs back and forth. It was very unlike him, and I could tell that there was something on his mind he wasn't very comfortable about.

"What's wrong, Jake? What do you need to say?"

Then it came all blew out in one big exhale.

"I just wanted to tell you that I think you should see _his _letters to you.. I don't really want you to see them, but it's none of my business and I get that. You already chose to have him out of your life completely, the least I can let the bloodsucker do is have his letters to you sent the way they were supposed to."

He paused, then put one hand over the back of his neck and started rubbing.

"I think it's illegal to keep somebody's mail from getting to them, anyway."

I paused, and a wave of clammy relief came over me. At least I don't have to ask him now. A confrontation and possible argument avoided. Phew.

I passed the back of my hand over my forehead, trying to at least somewhat dry up the wetness that had gathered there. I braced myself for what was to come, what _he_ could have said in those letters to me. All this time, images in a blur rushing in front of my eyes without my being able to stop them.

I watched as Jacob got up and started slowly walking toward me with a hint of something I couldn't identify in his eyes. Within two seconds he was in front of me, with his enormous hand on my knee, tracing an invisibly line upward.

"I'm going to give them to you. I promise, Bells. But first.."

Before I could tell that I was moving or anything was happening, Jacob had adjust me so I was sitting on his knee, and he was sitting in my place on the couch. He forcibly moved my arm around his neck and used his other hand to bring my face to his. He started kissing me, and almost thrust his tongue in my mouth. I pulled back with my palms on either side of his face as hard as I could.

"Jake, what are you doing?"

I tried to get up, but one hot arm across my legs stopped me. I tried to pry them off me, finger by finger, and he tried to kiss my again. This time, on my neck. I ripped my neck away and ended up shoving myself onto the floor with my legs in the air.

He stood up, immediately looking concerned while helping me back on my feet.

"What's wrong? Did I do something? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Lately Jacob had been trying to be less forceful with me, and I was trying to teach him how to tell the signs that something was wrong. It was difficult for him. If I had punched him in the crotch, he could have taken that as suggestive. We were working on it.

I straightened out my shirt and jeans and tried to not look him in the eyes.

"I'm sorry, Bella. You know I'm sorry. I've been trying so hard lately."

And I had to give in. He only had to use his thumb to make me look directly into those big, sad, melodramatic eyes. I sighed, and tried not to sound like he had disappointed me.

"It's okay." He smiled and turned to kiss me on the cheek. Odd for him, but sweet. I turned back to him.

"About those letters.. ?"

"Alright, alright. I'll go to get them."

He left the room, and I think there was almost a butterfly in my stomach waiting for the letters.


End file.
